Saturday, December 19, 2015

upon the new year

I realise I may have been self-indulgent.
perhaps because i've been trying to re-kindle and re-connect with my past lives but they indeed are gone and they only a knew a fraction of what my full self realises in this present moment
my music has always been there to narrate my past lives
i wonder if perhaps i've been going about it the wrong way
it might be the wrong way, but it's my way.

sometimes i emerge to this pivotal point where i can see myself being an extremely different person than i may have been at least 2 years ago, but then other moments i realise, i am quite still that same unsure, naive youth in high school

maybe we have an eternal moment where we are designed to fit a mentality we have emerged into, maybe i won't progress past that person who sees this diverging road, maybe i'll be this person who becomes transfixed with the decoration of time as it passes by.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

life is a collective of underwhelming layers comprising my existence

I'm trying to get this stagnant water moving but I suppose all I can do is wait

Monday, July 13, 2015


i'm still writing.... always writing
anyway I am on my next album


i was listening to jewel tone a few days ago as I was leaving cedar hills because as I was down there I felt like it was like a full circle moment and I wanted to take in everything that has happened since I graduated

it was so crazy like i felt like i've been carrying this fiery void for so long and i don't know how or why but i feel as if this void has kind of been filled

i was talking with my mom about how i don't feel like i've ever really had a really home or a place where i've fit, like some people live their whole life in one town, one house and all their family is there and they know everyone, but i have never really had that luxury nor have my parents because we've always moved around but we were able to stay in the same area for 15 years and leaving was similar to ripping off a bandaid...

my void has kind of been filled with seeing and experiencing new lifestyles and cultural differences... sometimes it is a little better from a more distant viewpoint

definitely turning a new leaf

PARADIGM is almost a continuation from the last album i made in the sense that it carries over some of the same grievances but i wanted to focus more on the idea of a shift in mentality, a celebration in healing, freedom and restlessness.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

the hierarchy of an introspective viewpoint

I have realised now that I am at a point in my life after a span of events where I am at a viewpoint looking back and behind at all the shambles and collateral damage. I kind of realised where my problems really started to escalate and the fact that I never dealt with what the original problem was until recently.

I wasn't putting myself first.

I was letting more outspoken people do all my thinking for me. I was vulnerable and unwilling to make decisions on my own. All I wanted was just for somebody to do all the decision making for me during Senior Year and nothing was working out but I continued to ride along on this wave for as long as it would take me before I crashed. It always seemed so easy to ride along with people with stronger personalities, people who already knew what they wanted.

I had always internally come to terms that at some point, everything would kind of fall to pieces and the only way I'd be able to fix it was by finally having to make my own decisions.

Once I was removed from everyone and I had been completely contained within my own solitude I had to make the decisions on what would make me happy and on what wasn't making me happy.
I realised that the reason why things weren't working out wasn't because of something I did... it was just the fact that people change, and things happen.
People change, and sometimes you don't.

I don't feel like I have changed much, but maybe I have changed in the aspect that I am more sure of what I actually want for myself, and what I don't want. I am more secure, and I am no longer a co-dependent which has freed me. There is freedom in the self-discovery of solitude.

I was shut away in this little apartment with my parents, like my roommates for about 9 months, and during about 6-7 months of those I picked up where I left off when we moved and I continued some of the writings I made while I blogged and found old pictures and went out and took new ones. I was inspired by sounds and all the different things I was going through. At the beginning I had no grasp of the fact that I was connecting the dots to making my latest "body of work" which was supposed to be a 4 or 5 song extended play, but it didn't stop there, it finally stopped at a 10 song album that I ended up releasing. There was a lot of freedom in writing music that actually meant something to me. As I listen to it now I totally think of memories over the last 4 or 5 months.

June - September was a very different time. September into November was this weird transitional period where it was like my "water" was breaking and I was getting ready to actually finish making an album and it was like my emotions changed and I was really sensitive but aware of what I wanted and how I wanted to phrase things visually and musically. I had my mind on resolving and repairing all that had been kind of broken and I was inspired to write about that as bitterness began to leave my temperament.

November to now is like I've entered a new part of my life. I seriously feel like I've turned a new leaf. I went back to my old job that I had earlier in the summer before school started and when they saw me again, one of my managers said that I seemed like a new person, as well as a few others. It truly seems like by releasing this album I was able to reach a new point where I observed what I was doing wrong with my life and I finally knew how to fix it and I knew what I wanted and it was that I was okay with being alone, and I was finally okay with being the one to initiate and fix the things that were broken. Putting out this album if it did anything important, it at least helped me in a way what I actually want out of life.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

in my rear view mirror...

so basically I finished my first semester of college at the U... yes it's as "edgy" as people say it is, yes it's full of asians who smoke in front of the library, but my rebellious and formerly oppressed Lone Peak native self couldn't be tamed or swayed otherwise until I experienced it on my own.
most of my time during that semester I fell asleep on public transportation on buses, trains, etc. I always managed to be woken up by somebody to let me out of their seat because their stop was first... I sometimes rant about this to my mom.
I learned that 8 am classes are not a possibility and I will not ever put them in my schedule again unless I actually live in salt lake.
I learned that I really miss living in "the bubble" and that there is a black and white cultural difference with lots of gray area once you leave it.
I figured out that it's not always super embarrassing to hangout by yourself, especially when it means you're avoiding people or things.
some mornings I would wake up with the crippling reality of what adulthood really is, and it scared me, sometimes it would be a formal invitation for me to crawl back into bed because this day might just be kind of unnecessary in the grand scheme of things.
i've learned that not everything will fall apart if you make some mistakes, it seemed like all last year like my life would just implode if I messed up, there's this odd illusion that your senior year of high school is walking on eggshells... I didn't really see it that way, nor do I see it that way now.
basically 2014 has been the most flat, rainy, uneventful year of my life, besides the fact that I've been in the city every day doing general eduation classes.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

omnipresent no. 2

i sort of feel like i am relapsing into my old ways
i keep finding ways to blame my own problems on other people
i'm sorry...
it feels like a permanent december
so much colder than I can remember

i miss a lot of things right now
i feel like this year has been a year of mourning
i've been saying goodbye to a lot of things but not quite so many hellos to reciprocate

i'm sorry if i sound whiny

i was driving home in the car, felt like i was in the mood to emotionally purge, but i can't even access my own emotions
it's like one of those moods where you're drowning in your melancholy, sorrow, or despair.
maybe i have too much time on my hands

all i know is that i'm super tired of being sad or blue
i'm tired of making music about how bitter i am

all i want is to run through fields of flowers like it's spring time
i miss spring time
i miss alpine
i miss cedar hills
like 1999-2014
been a long long time

the people up here are so different i don't understand them...

Sunday, December 7, 2014

shining the light on JEWEL TONE

I have birthed an album... it's called Jewel Tone. I definitely feel as if its roots were born here though. 2014 was the most challenging year of my life, yet. Every year brings its challenges and this one certainly had its where they were due. Jewel Tone has a few songs on it with lyrics birthed from this blog medium. If you want to listen to it, it is right here on Soundcloud.
Maybe some of you love me enough to actually download it, I love the people who read this blog if you happen to be on it, here is a download link to a ZIP file containing all the songs. The real reason I am here today is because it's been a long ride to get me where I am today. Mainly, I would like to candidly speak on the creation/meanings/feelings behind each song on the new album.
If you want to read over any of the lyrics you can view them on my Tumblr.

Lost It All- I basically finished this song to it's entirety in July. It was written all the way back in April when I was still enrolled in the Creative Writing class offered at Lone Peak, this class made me dig deep and sow seeds for what developed a lot of the album. I was watching one of my best friends, if not my best friend completely transform into someone else and ignoring everything that used to be important to him. There was a boiling point where I realised I was feeding into everything they wanted, and catering to their needs, but ignoring mine. There was a moment where I cracked and I said things I shouldn't have said and it only drove us further apart. That's what this song was about.

Occupy- Occupy was the song that really was the ridgeline for the album while I was creating it, it was the point where I knew which direction I wanted it to go in. The song is about having a lot of bitterness and anger towards somebody to the point where its an obsession and it consumes you and it's all you think about. I thought this was a good follow up to Lost It All because I wanted to tell a story of where I was in my life at this time, I was writing this song after this particular experience began to cease but wanted to document those feelings. I felt a really big rush when I wrote this song because it was the end of a really long time of no creativity and I began to start making music all on my own again.

Don't Call For Me- This was a song I wrote one night in August. I was feeling extra bitter and lonely. It was about a month and 12 days since I moved away from my hometown. I was getting into my film camera obsession. I bought a camera or two and I was taking pictures, albeit self-portraits with self-timer to make some visuals that would inspire me sonically--I do that, I'll take pictures to inspire for music sometimes. But I was taking pictures and a friend of mine wanted to go to concert and kind of party it up or whatever and I said no, and they went out and had fun or whatever. Later that night I realized how much of a recluse I had become and wanted to write about wanting to stay away from people I knew were bad for me to be around. I wrote because I was really angry, and I finally reached a point where I let out everything I wanted to say, unapologetically.

Wild Rose- I actually wrote Wild Rose on this blog in June. June 18th. I moved out of Cedar Hills on June 16th. I was self-imploding that week. I had taken the cover art for the picture about a week or two before we moved. I was just taking pictures in my yard, inside the empty house with the intention of posting cryptic, depressing pictures on instagram. While I was self-imploding and victimizing myself I had friends out taking pictures and having a great time on instagram and I was kind of heartbroken. I got one of the pictures I took and posted "bitterness like a wild rose" as the caption. I think the picture is still on the Wild Rose blogpost on this blog. The song was like a confession that said, "because i'm missing you, because I'm scared of doing things on my own." This lyric, and this song was my Shadow by Ashlee Simpson moment, I was totally living in the shadow of all of my peers, letting outspoken, outgoing people govern 75% of my decisions throughout the year and it was my way of saying I've messed up and I'm scared because I'm going away now and I know I have to make these decisions by myself now. This song was really the first real song I wrote for this album. Lost It All was first but it was shelved for a while and I didn't have anywhere to put it. This song I shelved for awhile as well, until one day I started making a drum beat with a cowbell. I was super inspired by Ultraviolence at the time, it's probably apparent, but at the time I wrote it I was listening to that CD in the car as I travelled out of my neighborhood for the last time before I no longer lived there.. I finished the song in 2 days. I got so excited that I posted it in June.

Disposable Camera- This song was inspired by a night of spontaneity. I was very into film and analogue photography and I was in Salt Lake one night with no film camera but I wasn't going to let that bother me, so I went and bought a disposable. I exposed every picture that night as we wandered around late in the city. A few nights later in my notes app on my iPad I wrote the entire song.

Velvet Sunshine- This song was a reference to my old song from 2013, "Drunk On Life". I wanted to write a chaotic rushed feeling 80s style song about adrenaline and dance music. It's kind of about leaving the "winter of your life" and learning to have fun again. It's a visually charged song.

In My Bones- This was a song about resolving your issues and letting your walls back down. I am admitting my flaws, I hold grudges, obsess over things I should have forgot about. I was getting to the last bit of the album and I wanted to write a song that represented a turning point.

Still Standing- Still Standing is a song I wrote about making up with people you've had in your life for a long time. It was about a combination of a lot different relationships I've experienced and learning to forgive, forget and enjoy people in your life while they want to be in it.

Thought of You- Definitely the oldest song on the album. I mainly included this on the album because people really liked it. I wrote this song with Wilson on the piano in late winter 2013 I believe and he started some of the stems and I ended up finishing it and releasing it. It did really well and encouraged me to keep going. It's about someone I cared about and felt like I needed to dedicate a song to, and some experiences that I liked, I wrote about light rail, and memories, it feels very old to me now.

Your Time (Enjoyed)- I wrote this song with my friend Rocky, a friend of mine who is into pop culture, music and all of that basically as much as I am. I started composing the stems of this song in the library at my University on Logic because I didn't have it at the time. I had the lead synth pads going into just the first verse. I didn't have any idea where to go with the lyrics and I sent it to Rocky. Rocky has been a big help throughout this entire project, he totally guided me with a lot of the songs conceptually or was just there for moral support so I felt like what I was making was important to somebody besides myself, but he wrote and sang a little melody for the first verse, and the chorus. He sent me the lyrics over skype chat and next thing I knew, I was filling in all the holes, creating the chorus, and I wrote the 2nd verse, the last few lines of the chorus. It was truly a remarkable experience, because it was one of the first times I felt like I worked with somebody who could write a song. I came to him because I wanted him to write a love song, I love covering love songs, but I have a difficulty writing them for myself because I have the love life of a boulder. This song seemed like a perfect album closer and I couldn't have been happier with it.