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Tuesday, January 1, 2019

uncomfortable

disclaimer: this isn't even good writing but it's just what is on my mind and where i am at right now.
i guess the truth is that i am sort of struggling right now.
i haven't properly written a journal or done anything of the sort for years. s/o to creative writing at lone peak for starting it all and sending me down a rabbit hole. i still attribute that class -- as do most of the other tryhard counter-culture kids from lone peak -- for encouraging me to be a creative and basically pursue a life in the humanities.
i just graduated with a bachelors in public relations from weber state about a month ago.... i'm not sure how it happened but that was the major i chose.
i think what could have led me down that path - and what i have said before is that one of my closest old friends, itzel used to talk about how she wanted to be a communication major at the U.

i think her passing still affects me in small ways. i think it made me a much more cautious person about my emotions. i became a lot more guarded. it also made me appreciate the people in my life much more.

what i can say about my life right now is that it is a series of mistakes, brain fog and lessons on learning to deal with being uncomfortable. i feel uncomfortable where i live. i felt uncomfortable where i went to school. i feel uncomfortable out of school. i feel uncomfortable still working in retail four years later. i felt uncomfortable on new years! it was like the most uncomfortable, underwhelming feeling ever still being in the same place, doing the same things. there was this clip of anderson cooper on new years eve talking about everyone feeling lonely and sad on new years because of being unhappy in where they are in life and i guess i felt like i could relate.

i've isolated myself with work and school, finished school and now i feel like i virtually have nothing left to give.

this is so weird because i've complained over and over again about how much i dislike living up here and how i wanted to leave so bad. i still feel that way, i don't think there was ever a day where i 100 percent was happy and elated to be up here. it was like a fun get away and moment for me to get away from people but i like just want to go home and back to my roots. i just want to BE comfortable. i just like weirdly know in my soul i need to go back to utah county. i don't know for how long or when or whatever but i know it needs to happen this year. there may not even be anything still there waiting for me when i get there but i need to go back to my roots.
living up here has had its perks. i have thrived and suffered in anonymity. more anonymity. and any other synonym for feeling alone.
i've come full circle since graduating from high school to graduating from college and i am ready to go HOME... wherever that is.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

upon the new year

I realise I may have been self-indulgent.
perhaps because i've been trying to re-kindle and re-connect with my past lives but they indeed are gone and they only a knew a fraction of what my full self realises in this present moment
my music has always been there to narrate my past lives
i wonder if perhaps i've been going about it the wrong way
it might be the wrong way, but it's my way.

sometimes i emerge to this pivotal point where i can see myself being an extremely different person than i may have been at least 2 years ago, but then other moments i realise, i am quite still that same unsure, naive youth in high school

maybe we have an eternal moment where we are designed to fit a mentality we have emerged into, maybe i won't progress past that person who sees this diverging road, maybe i'll be this person who becomes transfixed with the decoration of time as it passes by.


Sunday, October 4, 2015

life is a collective of underwhelming layers comprising my existence

I'm trying to get this stagnant water moving but I suppose all I can do is wait

Monday, July 13, 2015

-paradigm-



i'm still writing.... always writing
anyway I am on my next album

already!

i was listening to jewel tone a few days ago as I was leaving cedar hills because as I was down there I felt like it was like a full circle moment and I wanted to take in everything that has happened since I graduated

it was so crazy like i felt like i've been carrying this fiery void for so long and i don't know how or why but i feel as if this void has kind of been filled

i was talking with my mom about how i don't feel like i've ever really had a really home or a place where i've fit, like some people live their whole life in one town, one house and all their family is there and they know everyone, but i have never really had that luxury nor have my parents because we've always moved around but we were able to stay in the same area for 15 years and leaving was similar to ripping off a bandaid...

my void has kind of been filled with seeing and experiencing new lifestyles and cultural differences... sometimes it is a little better from a more distant viewpoint

definitely turning a new leaf

PARADIGM is almost a continuation from the last album i made in the sense that it carries over some of the same grievances but i wanted to focus more on the idea of a shift in mentality, a celebration in healing, freedom and restlessness.









Sunday, January 25, 2015

the hierarchy of an introspective viewpoint

I have realised now that I am at a point in my life after a span of events where I am at a viewpoint looking back and behind at all the shambles and collateral damage. I kind of realised where my problems really started to escalate and the fact that I never dealt with what the original problem was until recently.

I wasn't putting myself first.

I was letting more outspoken people do all my thinking for me. I was vulnerable and unwilling to make decisions on my own. All I wanted was just for somebody to do all the decision making for me during Senior Year and nothing was working out but I continued to ride along on this wave for as long as it would take me before I crashed. It always seemed so easy to ride along with people with stronger personalities, people who already knew what they wanted.

I had always internally come to terms that at some point, everything would kind of fall to pieces and the only way I'd be able to fix it was by finally having to make my own decisions.

Once I was removed from everyone and I had been completely contained within my own solitude I had to make the decisions on what would make me happy and on what wasn't making me happy.
I realised that the reason why things weren't working out wasn't because of something I did... it was just the fact that people change, and things happen.
People change, and sometimes you don't.

I don't feel like I have changed much, but maybe I have changed in the aspect that I am more sure of what I actually want for myself, and what I don't want. I am more secure, and I am no longer a co-dependent which has freed me. There is freedom in the self-discovery of solitude.

I was shut away in this little apartment with my parents, like my roommates for about 9 months, and during about 6-7 months of those I picked up where I left off when we moved and I continued some of the writings I made while I blogged and found old pictures and went out and took new ones. I was inspired by sounds and all the different things I was going through. At the beginning I had no grasp of the fact that I was connecting the dots to making my latest "body of work" which was supposed to be a 4 or 5 song extended play, but it didn't stop there, it finally stopped at a 10 song album that I ended up releasing. There was a lot of freedom in writing music that actually meant something to me. As I listen to it now I totally think of memories over the last 4 or 5 months.

June - September was a very different time. September into November was this weird transitional period where it was like my "water" was breaking and I was getting ready to actually finish making an album and it was like my emotions changed and I was really sensitive but aware of what I wanted and how I wanted to phrase things visually and musically. I had my mind on resolving and repairing all that had been kind of broken and I was inspired to write about that as bitterness began to leave my temperament.

November to now is like I've entered a new part of my life. I seriously feel like I've turned a new leaf. I went back to my old job that I had earlier in the summer before school started and when they saw me again, one of my managers said that I seemed like a new person, as well as a few others. It truly seems like by releasing this album I was able to reach a new point where I observed what I was doing wrong with my life and I finally knew how to fix it and I knew what I wanted and it was that I was okay with being alone, and I was finally okay with being the one to initiate and fix the things that were broken. Putting out this album if it did anything important, it at least helped me in a way what I actually want out of life.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

in my rear view mirror...

so basically I finished my first semester of college at the U... yes it's as "edgy" as people say it is, yes it's full of asians who smoke in front of the library, but my rebellious and formerly oppressed Lone Peak native self couldn't be tamed or swayed otherwise until I experienced it on my own.
most of my time during that semester I fell asleep on public transportation on buses, trains, etc. I always managed to be woken up by somebody to let me out of their seat because their stop was first... I sometimes rant about this to my mom.
I learned that 8 am classes are not a possibility and I will not ever put them in my schedule again unless I actually live in salt lake.
I learned that I really miss living in "the bubble" and that there is a black and white cultural difference with lots of gray area once you leave it.
I figured out that it's not always super embarrassing to hangout by yourself, especially when it means you're avoiding people or things.
some mornings I would wake up with the crippling reality of what adulthood really is, and it scared me, sometimes it would be a formal invitation for me to crawl back into bed because this day might just be kind of unnecessary in the grand scheme of things.
i've learned that not everything will fall apart if you make some mistakes, it seemed like all last year like my life would just implode if I messed up, there's this odd illusion that your senior year of high school is walking on eggshells... I didn't really see it that way, nor do I see it that way now.
basically 2014 has been the most flat, rainy, uneventful year of my life, besides the fact that I've been in the city every day doing general eduation classes.



Thursday, December 11, 2014

omnipresent no. 2

i sort of feel like i am relapsing into my old ways
i keep finding ways to blame my own problems on other people
i'm sorry...
it feels like a permanent december
so much colder than I can remember

i miss a lot of things right now
i feel like this year has been a year of mourning
i've been saying goodbye to a lot of things but not quite so many hellos to reciprocate

i'm sorry if i sound whiny

i was driving home in the car, felt like i was in the mood to emotionally purge, but i can't even access my own emotions
it's like one of those moods where you're drowning in your melancholy, sorrow, or despair.
maybe i have too much time on my hands

all i know is that i'm super tired of being sad or blue
i'm tired of making music about how bitter i am

all i want is to run through fields of flowers like it's spring time
i miss spring time
i miss alpine
i miss cedar hills
like 1999-2014
been a long long time

the people up here are so different i don't understand them...